your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
