Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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