the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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