good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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