someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
