the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
