he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
