I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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