You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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