Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
