I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize