my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
this is an emotional support booty call
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
