I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Let's get the cat blown out
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
