Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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