I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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