please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
