I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
