It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
