I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
