I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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