just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
