i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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