The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
