I hate your face
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
