ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Four minutes until I can fart!
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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