I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
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