wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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