i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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