just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
