Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
