Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize