In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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