Dude my mom stole all your condoms
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
