dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
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