Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
