My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
