Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
