so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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