If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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