Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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