i wish my penis had a tongue
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
