He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
