I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
