I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
