i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
a search helicopter?!
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
