A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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