I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
two words...techno handjob
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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