your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
