her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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