I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
