Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
