my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
