Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
