The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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