Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
