I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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