Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
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