i jhust puked up my retainher.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
